With Romeo and Juliet, it seemed romantic. in real life, when your parents disapprove of your fiancé, it seems anything but romantic. Stressful, insurmountable and frustrating, perhaps, but not romantic.

“Caution is a useful ally in making a choice that could affect one’s whole life and possible offspring. It is helpful to really take time in building the primary relationship before marriage and to get the counsel from several trusted elders,” says Dorothea Hover-Kramer, Ed.D., author of “Second Chance at Your Dream” (Energy Psychology Press, March 2009).

So, hear your family out. The first step is to ask, “‘What is my desired outcome?’ A desired outcome must be something over which you have control,” explains Loren Gelberg-Goff, LCSW, a private-practice marriage counselor in River Edge, N.J.

Once you know what you want to happen, and have a reasonable expectation that it is something you can achieve, follow these nine tips for diffusing the disapproval.

1. Make sure it isn’t all in your head

Verify that there is an issue and that you haven’t misinterpreted innocent actions as slights or insults. Patricia Covalt, Ph.D., author of “What Smart Couples Know: The Secret to a Happy Relationship” (Amacom, 2007) suggests asking: “‘I get the sense that you don’t completely approve of [John]. Is that right?’ If your instincts are right, ask for more detail.”

2. Talk It Over

Once you know what the issue is, you can set about addressing it if it has to do with interfaith marriage or cultural differences, you can talk with your soon-to-be-spouse about how you will deal with issues that come up over the years and then you can show your family together how you’ve thought through their concerns.

3. Preserve private time

Keep making plans to see the parent or other family member who has concerns, alone, without your fiancé, to preserve the connection, says Susan Newman, Ph.D., a social psychologist and author of “The Book of NO (McGraw-Hill, 2005). If your family sees that you are really listening to what they have to say, they may be more willing to compromise.

4. Share information

You don’t want too take sides or share secrets. But the more you can help your fiancé see your family’s point of view, and the more he knows about their interests and background, the more he can take steps toward reconciliation. Ask yourself if you have given your family enough opportunity to get to know your husband- or bride-to-be.

5. Take a stand

If you’ve tried all of the above, or your feel their concerns aren’t based in fact, tell you family the topic is off-limits. If they can keep their negativity to themselves, you may be able to continue with an “agree to disagree” pact for the short-term.

6. Finally, not all conflicts can be easily remedied

In some cases, you may just have to tell your family that you are an adult, you’ve made choices in your life, and you hope that, in time, they’ll come to accept them. It won’t be easy; they don’t call it tough love for nothing, but it may be the way you come to terms in the long run.

© CTW Features